As I walked into the church, the preacher was saying" He that is in Christ is a new creature old things have passed away behold all things have become new". Every other thing he said after that was just like wind blowing past my ears. Right there in my seat I started pondering on those words, am I a new creature, am I truly in Christ?
I have no full understanding of being in christ even though I was born a Christian, grew up in church and I know there is a God. I still lie comfortably, I participate in some dodgy deals just to make ends meet. I pay tithes and offerings, I am one of the planning committees when the church has event but I live a double life.
I go to a different church and my family goes to a different church. I only go to the family church when I am at home on a visit. My parents are well respected in our community. I have a good job and I am comfortable financially.
I was carried away in my thought until the usher tapped me to notify me it was time to drop my tithes/offering envelope. I had gone deep in my thoughts weighing my life in relation to the Bible passage the preacher said.
After the service that day I drove straight home, my mind was occupied with thousands of thoughts, how do I even explain who I am. My identity is uncertain in Christ because I don't even know where I belong.
In this uncertain mood, I turned the television on to watch something that can clear my mind. All the programmes on at that time did not seem interesting to me. I decided to read something so I switched the television off. I got a Christian journal given to me whilst on my way to work. Coincidentally, it had thesame scripture(2 Corinthians 5 : 17) the preacher was talking about in the morning written on it.
Whilst reading it I fell asleep not knowing when Johnson came in. Johnson is my lover although he is a married man but I am his mistress. His wife and kids stay in Sweden where he is based. Whenever he comes on business trip he stays at my place. At anytime we run into anyone, I introduce him as my uncle or elder brother.
Johnson is such a polite and understanding man. His wife is a career focused lady. They are both busy people, they have lots of services paid for to keep their home front. From housekeeper to au pair. The kids only see their parents on holidays or once a week. Johnson use this as excuse to fly over to meet me.
I met Johnson on a hot summer day whilst at the airport arriving from Geneva. I was rushing to leave the departure area of the airport when I bumped into him. I couldn't even say sorry, I was captivated by his looks. I mumbled the word sorry after staring at him for like five minutes I suppose. He wasn't angry he offered to help me with my suit case. We got talking, he was in Scotland for business. He was delayed at the airport because his friend who was meant to pick him up had travelled somewhere so he was on his way to the help desk to find the nearest hotel to lodged in for his trip.
I didn't even think before saying he could stay at my place. I live in my own house so I offered to allow him stay over in a room. He hesitated but I was mesmerized by his personality. I just couldn't handle him slipping off like that even though its so unlike me. When we got to my house, the compliments from him was unending. I have never seen or met a man who keeps the complements coming like flood. I made him comfortable we introduced each other formally I couldn't believe I brought a total stranger home without asking him his name. That evening I cancelled my meeting with a friend which was the reason I was rushing to leave the airport. I told the friend I was tired and would love to rest to gain my lost strenght what a big lie.
Johnson spent the time staying at my place. He is well educated, boy! He knows the right word to use to get a woman on her knees begging. I and Johnson kept in touch when he left and I eventually gave him a spare key to my house after being friends for some months. It saves me from picking him at the airport whenever he arrives for his business trip. After about three month of meeting Johnson we started a relationship.
Johnson is a guy any woman would pray to have as her head. He comes with gift, told me about his wife and family how his wife is married to her career and not him. How their marriage was at the edge of divorce. I advised him not to divorce his wife because it was against the will of God.
Johnson always appreciate my advise and in return he treats me like a queen. He pays money into my account unannounced just to surprise me. I woke up feeling the moist of his lips planted on my cheeks. "You must be tired sleeping at this time" he said. I am a very light sleeper but didn't hear Johnson when he came in that afternoon.
I was so free with Johnson, I told him about my day at church and the Bible passage. He could see that I was concerned. I asked Johnson what he thought about our relationship. His answer surprised me, he said he knew it was a sin before God but he can't help coming to me because what his wife denies him of, I give to him. He said I make him feel like a man and all.
That night Johnson told me he was a deacon in his church at home and his wife was a deaconess. He said after work she carries on with the church thing saying God's kingdom must not lack even the children lack the care they need from their mother and him too as her husband. Johnson became emotional and was crying, he said it was a miracle they had the twins after 7 years of marriage people thaught they had delays but the reality was his wife wasn't playing her role as a wife. She use excuse of waiting on the Lord, prayers session and God knows what to stay away from him.
Johnson was raised in a strict christian family and he knows that marriage is for life and adultery is a sin so he married his business as well in place of his wife. His business kept him busy for those years. When it came to the stage that the family was getting grumpy towards the wife and the lack of child in their union he resulted into begging his wife every now and then. Finally she got pregnant and was on bed rest almost throughout the pregnancy. He said he had to postpone or cancel most of his business commitments.
When they had the twins a boy and a girl the wife asked the doctor to remove her womb because she doesn't want anymore kids. The doctor happened to be Johnson's school mate which the wife didn't know she told Johnson about his wife's decision and Johnson disagreed.
When Johnson's wife was discharged from the hospital, he confronted her about what she told the doctor to do. She told him that was her wish and that she doesn't love Johnson or the children. On their 11th year wedding anniversary Johnson's wife asked for divorce which Johnson refused. They agreed on living together and pretending to the world to be a couple but indeed they were far from being a couple. They were both married to their life outside the marriage. They sleep in different rooms and just share the house like flat mates.
Johnson said he couldn't go for divorce because he loved her even though she doesn't she was the first woman he knew and he didn't believe in cheating on her or divorce so he agreed to be a father and friend to his kids and wife. I didn't realised I was in tears until Johnson wiped my face, that night we slept in each other's arms consoling each other.
The next morning Johnson moist feeling lips planted on my cheeks woke me up from bed. He always made breakfast for me in bed anytime he's around. That morning I was working from home I always pre plan my week when Johnson was due to visit.
After breakfast while I was about to start my work for today, Johnson said I hope my life will not make you run away from me because I find in you what I longed for. I couldn't answer the question then he said please think about it. Johnson later asked if he could know me more aside all he knew about me being a working class single lady who lives alone. I asked him if he really wanted to know me more and he said yes.
My story...
I am the eldest and only daughter of a family of six ( three brothers my mum and dad ). I was born in Carlifornia but grew up around the world due to my dad's job. At age fifteen we were living in Miami. I was a very intelligent girl, always wining awards for excellent academic performance. I was a geek back in school but that got me more enemies than friends.
The girls were so mean towards me and my height just makes them taunt me more. They nicknamed me "geeky basket baller wannabe" and other kinds of names but I didn't let that bother me I focused more and got better in my studies.
One day I stayed late at school for extra curricular activities mum had taken my brothers home but I had to come home myself. As I was walking home after getting off the bus I was pounced on from behind by some girls I fell face flat. They beat me like I was a criminal. As if that would do for them I was dragged into a hally way and there and then I was gang raped. I couldn't go home because my clothes were torn. Shame got me stuck in the position of a foetus. I cried to the extent that I felt no tears would come again.
During this time mum became so worried at home she called the cops and a search began that night for me I was found at 2am by the police. I narrated my story to them they asked if I could identify any of my attackers but I couldn't they had their face(s) covered. I was taken to the hospital admitted for the night but unfortunately the doctors did not do their job properly.
Four months later I discovered I was pregnant, by then my case was in court, hearing was done but no one was persecuted. The pregnancy was a blow on the face, my attackers walk free and I have to carry a scar all my life why me?
When the pregnancy was five months and two weeks we relocated to United Kingdom. Dad and mum promised to take the shame off me and raise the child as theirs. They didn't believe in abortion so I carried the baby and delivered by ceaserian section. It was a baby girl we named her Justina. I later went to Australia where I completed my education and graduated with a first class. I find it difficult to relate with Justina knowing her origin and the fact that she was my child but she sees and knows me as her big sister. My family lives in Coventry while I reside in scotland.
Johnson was shocked at my story and the pain I had gone through. I told him although I believe in God but I have no relationship with God because he let me down and allowed my attackers to walk free while I pay for it. Justina is now 25years old and would be graduating from University as a medical doctor soon.
My past has held me bound that I can't even carry on or marry any man. Johnson was just lucky and he came into my life when I started thinking of letting someone in. Although we are good for each other but complicated.
After hearing my story, Johnson went into the room I thought he went to rest so I carried on with my work for the day. I felt like a load was lifted off my shoulder I have never spoken to anyone about my past or Justina but I told Johnson.
I was carried away with my work when I realised I haven't heard from Johnson since we spoke in the morning. I finished what I was doing and went to check on him. He was sleeping like a baby in my bed.
My encounter the day before had got me thinking about our relationship and my relationship with God. I wanted to know more about the scripture and why it bothered me so much. I booked and appointment to see the Pastor. I quietly sneaked out of the house leaving a note for Johnson telling him my whereabout.
At the Pastor's...
I told the pastor about the scripture and how much it got me thinking about my life. He didn't ask but I told him things he never knew about me. Including the rape and Justina. The pastor told me I was yet to forgive and let go which has made me nurse my pain for too long and kept my future on hold. He prayed for me and asked me to keep praying that God should heal me and help me to move on.
I ommitted the part of Johnson on purpose because I was not sure what the pastor's reaction would be. As I drove down to home, my conscience kept saying why didn't you tell him about Johnson what if he already knew why keep it a secret. Remeber God can't be mocked.
It has been two years since I and Johnson started our relationship. My phone rang and it was Johnson he wanted to know how long it would take me to get home, I wonder why.
When I got home he was waiting at the dining area he had already ordered a take away from the local Thai shop. Candle lit from the entrance to the table and all over the hall way. The air was filled with the smell of lavender and vanilla.
As I walked in he swept me off my feet carrying me like a baby in his arms to the dining table. He sat me carefully on the chair. I was overwhelmed when he said happy anniversary. This is so complicated and ridiculous, why did destiny bring us together when we can't be with each other. I responded with tears filled eyes, he held me for so long in his arms.
Its been two years since we met and now we know that we can't go on living like this because it's against the will of God. As we ate the food he broke the silence by saying " Josephine I know we can't marry each other because I am married. But I have grown to love you and I don't even know how to explain to you that (he brought a small box out of a gift bag) even though we can't marry can we keep on being friends.
I lovevthis friendship gift, I said yes I would be your friend but we need to be just friends from now. It took him a while and he said yes I understand. Johnson said I know your past has kept you bound Josephine but I think its high time you moved on. Its horrible what happened to you but life goes on. Johnson spoke to me like he was my father or elder brother. My younger ones are married with kids but I'm yet to get married. My parents nag about this issue anytime I visit but I don't know how to just let go. I and Johnson spoke at length that night when it was time to go to bed we slept in different rooms.
Johnson stayed over for the next week, we got on so well like siblings leaving our relationship in past. The day he was leaving he gave me another gift, a small key holder with my picture in it below my picture was "we were meant to be but who are we to question destiny. I love you still but we need to move on. Johnson Meadows." I gave him a replica of a sculpture in my flat which he loves so much.
Two years later...
Its been two years since I and Johnson parted on mutual grounds. I have rededicated my life to Christ. I lived as Holy as the Lord helped me. I had also gone to my parents and I requested they told Justina I was her mother and all that happened. It was a difficult time, Justina rejected me she couldn't believe it. After about six months of rejection she came to Scotland to visit me.
She had started practising as a medical doctor. She said she wants to build a mother daughter relationship with me so she took up a job offer in scotland with my parents consent. I was so surprised and grateful. I have always been a big sister to Justina but I am grateful she wants us to be who we really are mother and daughter.
Its been 8 months since Justina and I had been living together. One day wholst at work she called me. Saying a man was waiting for me but she didn't allow him in. It was already closing hours so I told her to stay in and call the police if the man becomes a nuisance. As I drove home I couldn't help but think who the man was.
On getting to the drive way I saw two men in black Mercedes I couldn't see their face properly so I just packed and went into the house. Justina was in the lounge welcome mummy J she said. She has resulted into calling me mummy J. since she decided to have a relationship with me. She used to call me Sister J. I responded miss J how has your day been. So where is the man you said was here. She rose and went to the window, she pointed to the black Mercedes and said that is his car over there.
I was just about to sit down when the door bell rang Justina was in the kitchen helping me to get a drink. I opened the door and I couldn't believe my eyes. Johnson was standing in front of me. Before I could say a word Justina came back to the lounge "mummy J. Is everything okay" she asked. Yes I mumbled, she came to the door and stood at my back. Mumny J this is the man do you know him?
At this point Johnson asked if he and the man with him could please come in. I didn't know what to say, when it gets to Johnson's questions at times I don't always have a response. I nodded in agreement, with him was a man who looks very much like him. When they got in I offered them a seat and he introduced the man to me as Jonathan his twin brother.
I never knew Johnson had a twin brother oh well that is life. I introduced Justina to them as my daughter and I introduced Johnson and his twin to Justina as my friend. It was 7:45pm and Justina had to work that night. We offered Johnson and Jonathan drinks and I quickly went inside the room to have a chat and pray with Justina before she left for work.
Justina wanted to know more about Johnson thank goodness I had discussed about Johnson during one of our heart to heart mother and daughter discussion. She asked if I knew why he was here and I said no because it's almost three years since I heard from him or saw him last.
I saw Justina off told her to drive safely because it was snowing and also said she should call me when she got to work.
When Justina left I became restless not knowing what or why Johnson had come yo visit me with his brother. I asked them if the wanted to eat something but they said they were alright.
Why Johnson came..
I asked os his children and wife his reponse was sad. I asked if everything was okay but he didn't say much.
Then Jonathan spoke...
"Josephine I am so glad I finally had the chance to meet you. I now see why Johnson insisted that we came down to see you. I understand you met some years ago and you two had an affair also that you put an end to it because you felt it was against the will of God. I admire your level of maturity and understanding because without doubt there is a strong bond between you two but you left your feelings aside to do what is right"..
I came in there and said " I need to know the reason why you are here, also why is Johnson so quiet and why are you his spokesman? I hope I haven't done anything wrong?"
No you haven't Jonathan said. Its a long story Josephine. At that point I became more anxious and asked Johnson to speak instead of his brother. I told him I had moved on and God has healed me from the wound of my past.
Johnson's story. ...
When we parted that year, I got home and for the next one month I shut the whole world out of my life and I just asked God to forgive me and give me direction. It was a time of retreat for me. Thank God the twins were on holiday at my brother Jonathan's place in New Jersey. Gwen my wife didn't even notice I was home or what I felt. She got home late and left early she hardly said hello to me. I was used to that not that I had a choice. I was the reason why she was still in the house because I didn't want her to divorce me but agreed we lived together for the sake of our marriage.
One particular day I was fortunate to see Gwen in the house and I begged her to please listen to me if for the last time. As we sat there I poured my heart out and told her all about you and how much I loved you Jo. I told her I had left you just to make our marriage work and I would appreciate if she could just let us be a real family and stop using work or church activities to push me away.
To my surprise she busted into laughter then all of a sudden she was weeping like she just lost someone dear to her. I hugged and and told her we could start all over again if she wanted that. At least for the sake of our children and I told her I won't force her to have more children if she doesn't, that I wanted us to start again.
Gwen stood up, pushed me away and went to the room. She locked herself there for the rest of the days. I knocked at the door, begged her endlessly but none of it worked.
That night I called Jonathan and explained my complicated life and marriage to him. He and his family were due to arrive at Sweden the next day so he just told me to calm down and take a rest. I didn't know what was happening in my life I wanted to make things right. I wanted to live a godly life most especially I wanted my marriage to be rebuilt by God and I knew I had to confess my sins to Gwen but she wasn't helping the situation.
That night I prayed to God using Psalms 119:28 KJV "My soul melteth for heaviness: strengthen thou me according unto thy word." And
Ephesians 3:16-17 KJV"That he would grant you, according to the riches of his glory, to be strengthened with might by his Spirit in the inner man; That Christ may dwell in your hearts by faith; that ye, being rooted and grounded in love," I cried to the Lord that night. I prayed for Gwen that God will touch her heart and let her realise I love her and wanted our marriage to work. I prayed that if it was the will of God that He should take me home but He should save my soul. I must have slept off whilst praying, I found myself in a city everything was going so fast. Things looked so beautiful then I saw myself at a tap that was running at full blast. People gathered there to get washed, have a drink or fill empty barrels with water. People that have an encounter with that water experienced instant change, some looked sad before getting to the tap but once they have a taste they become happy. I was skeptical at first didn't want to go there but in that dream I saw Jonathan's wife Remi, she urged me to come after her.
In real life Remi had some condition that makes her stay off work most times. She got to the tap sat under it and was soaking wet. Although it felt childish when she was leaving there were scales falling off her body all of a sudden her body looked so fresh. That was when I went to the water, I just sat there and wept as the water washed my tears away. As I stood up I saw myself in the midst of people with white robes and joyous looks singing
Amazing grace.
Amazing grace! How sweet the sound
that saved a wretch like me!
I once was lost, but now am found;
was blind, but now I see.
'Twas grace that taught my heart to fear,
and grace my fears relieved;
how precious did that grace appear
the hour I first believed.
Through many dangers, toils, and snares,
I have already come;
'tis grace hath brought me safe thus far,
and grace will lead me home.
The Lord has promised good to me,
his word my hope secures;
he will my shield and portion be,
as long as life endures.
Yea, when this flesh and heart shall fail,
and mortal life shall cease,
I shall possess, within the veil,
a life of joy and peace.
I woke up to realise my phone was ringing it was 7am in the morning. I must have slept for ten hours or more I haven't had that much sleep in a long time. I felt peace from within. The dream just lifted me from somewhere unsafe to a safe place. I went on my knees and started praising God and claiming the new life I have in him. After my devotion I went to check on Gwen she was in bed sleeping. I thought I won't disturb her but I will make breakfast for her in bed a trial won't hurt I thought.
I made breakfast and took it to Gwen to my utmost surprise she sat up and ate I was so thankful to God inside of me. My prayer has been answered after breakfast she said I need to talk to you. I told her to go on. Gwen apologised for being a stranger instead of a wife and also for not being the mother I expected her to be to the twins. All apologies accepted, then she said I need to tell you something I had battled with all my life. She said Johnson when our parents introduced us to each other I never knew it would end up in marriage. I had turned all proposals down because I didn't want to get married.
When you showed much interest and I realised you loved me I was so disappointed but I decided I will make sure you suffered for falling in love with me. Johnson I am a lesbian and I have been for a long time and that was why I turned down all marriage proposal, that was why your touch made no difference to me, that was why I couldn't love you because I love someone else. She has been in my life since secondary school days. She is married because she is bisexual. I couldn't just share the love I have for her that was why living with you as a wife was a problem. Then when I mistakenly conceived the twins I promised her I wouldn't let you touch me again so such mistake doesn't repeat itself.
I use church activities to cover up because some days I am not even at church but you don't know because your business doesn't allow you to stay home much and when you do I had my ways of making sure you never found out. The problem now is I have been infected with a terminal infection by her through the sex toys we shared. I didn't realise until two weeks ago. I visited her at hospital where she has been on admission for the past one month that was when she told me her husband infected her and now she has passed it on to me. This I found out when I went for a test after leaving the hospital. That was why when you got home and told me about your affairs I just couldn't respond because I knew I caused it all. You are a good man and I don't deserve you but I want you to keep this between us even as I carry my cross alone.
Six months after that Gwen became so ill. I cared for her till she died. I had to get her to tell her parents what the cause of the illness wasbefore she died. Jo life has been unbearable for me ever since I don't know where I went wrong. That is my fate but I don't want it to destroy my faith in God for a better future."
The house phone rang, it was Justina "mummy J. I have been calling your mobile but you aren't picking up is everything okay." I said yes dear. She said well I will be coming home soon, my presence isn't needed here as such a colleague will take over from me soon. I persuaded her to stay but she was adamant to come home.
Johnson's story is pathetic, I asked him the reason he came to me and why he didn't call all this while. He said he was unsure of my thoughts towards him after we broke up. He didn't want to be a pain in my life or hinderance to my future incase I had found someone else.
Johnson said I want to ask you if there was still a chance for us. I need someone who knows me well, someone who can be a mother to my kids, a wife and a friend. At this point I stood up and asked them to please leave my house. Johnson was shocked, but Jonathan said "I know you need time to think about this but please help my brother because he has been in pieces emotionally and he loves you." They left my house.
I sat down there thinking God why is my life so complicated. I know I have prayed about my marital destiny and I felt I was fantasising when all I keep seeing is its done and Johnson. God is this what you mean? I was deep in my thoughts when Justina came in. She tapped me mummy J. What is the problem I narrated the story and Johnson's ordeal to her. Justina asked me what I wanted to do and I told her I wanted to rest because I can't think straight.
We prayed together that night and went to bed. The next day I called my mother and told her everything about Johnson. She said you need to speak to the Lord and follow what your heart says but I will also keep you in my prayers as well.
The next day Justina came to ask me what I would do and how I felt she said she wanted me to be happy because I have had a complicated start in life. I decided to go to Mariah my friend who is a Christian counsellor. We spoke at length and she said "she see a lady who knows what she wants but is scared of what people would say."
It took me three days before I called Johnson on his phone, I invited him to my house. When he arrived I saw the fear on his face. I asked him why he thought I could make him happy after his experience with Gwen. He went on about the kind of friendship and love we shared and that he had prayed about it and I am the one for him.
Six months later...
"Do you Josephine Erioluwa Mccarthy take Johnson Ayoade Meadows as your husband" and my response was "Yes I do". We tied the know on the 16th of November. A year later I had a son for Johnson and we called him Isaac Ipinoluwa Meadows. I now live in Sweden with my family and Justina has been a lovely daughter and caring sister to the twins and Isaac. Nothing can seperate us from the Love of God if only we pour out our weakness to Him and depend wholly on Him.
Who would have thought I could still be found after all I had gone through?
Complicated start but His love completed it with divine compliments.
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