I am Loraine...
The sun was so bright outside I was dreading embarking on my planned journey but I have no choice but to go. It's been a very busy week on my part, oh! How I wish Luke can just be more helpful than he is. He has made it clear that the cross is mine to carry and not for us.
Years ago when I was a teenager, I was so much in thirst and inquisitive to find out what my purpose was in life. I grew up in a home of five my parents inclusive. Being an only daughter and first child, I had so much responsibilities that when I become ill everything almost comes to a stand still or upside down. Born to a mother who suffers from Bi-polar disorder was not that helpful but I pulled through.
When mum had her bad days, she will refuse to even attend to any house chores not to talk of going to work. Good thing she was self employed if not her employer would have sacked her long time. On her bad days she will hardly attend to her self care, I wondered what happened before i was eight years because since age eight I've had to step up to the responsibility of a woman in my parent's house.
I had two siblings who had just a year gap between each other. Mum referred to them as twins. I grew up to understand that she had twins which she lost after birth I was five years when that happen. The boys came when I was 9years and 10years. They grew up so quick. By the time I was 12years I knew how to cook proper meals, wash and dress my little brothers and take them to play school.
By age thirteen mum's Bi-polar got the better part of our lives. She resulted to selling what she sold from the house because she was hardly out of the house and the bills for her store was pilling up. Dad made sure we never lacked anything. He was there by her side, he wiped her tears when she cried. Gradually Bi-polar resulted into schizophrenia which we found out later. The day I saw mum strip naked in the street was a sad day for me, the weather was cold I was sixteen. I held her from the front weeping and told Jeremy and Josiah to go and call dad to bring the car because he was at home. It only took about 15minutes from the time the boys went home to get dad and the time he arrived with the car but it felt like eternity. Mum was only left with her birthday suit, neighbours were peeping out through their window. I couldn't blame them, we lived in a very quiet area. Everyone knew each other. The only difference is we were such a close knit family even though we relate with neighbours occasionally no one knew the state of health mum had. Also she has never accepted the diagnosis but now she will need to go to the hospital.
When dad arrived, He swept her off her feet like he probably did on their wedding day and got her into the car. I was crying non stop and the boys were just staring at me. Dad drove to the nearest hospital, luckily he brought a dress for mum which I quickly put on her as dad drove. At this point I asked my father "dad what exactly is wrong with mum". He couldn't give me a definite answer but he said "Lawry(as he calls me) your mum is going to be alright" he sighed and kept driving.
When we got to the hospital mum was admitted, by this time she had calmed down but very disorientated. What she was saying didn't make much sense. I heard the doctor saying to dad that she will be sedated for a while and they will carry out tests.
After two weeks on admission mum was discharged with schizophrenia as new diagnosis. Dad took time off work to look after her as I looked after my siblings and did all I needed to do to make sure we ate and the house was clean.
My studies were getting affected but my tutors were quite understanding giving me enough time to finish my work in class and extra time to hand in my homework. Dad decided to take a transfer to work close to home and had some days when he worked at home. I never saw him discouraged about the situation or blame anyone. Instead he would nod and smile to mum's conversation even when she made no sense.
I wondered what went on in his mind, how he slept, what he felt when he wasn't at home. Did he have another woman? No he doesn't, no he can't, he loved mum too much. Dad was always there for mum after 8years of battling with Schizophrenia mum went back to her maker. I was 24years the, it was painful but it was a break for us all and a time for her to rest. My brothers where affected because all they grew to know was a mother who was never in the right mind till she took her last breath. It was painful seeing her struggling with constant hallucination, the only time she was at peace was when she slept which was only few hours in a day. She was awake most night speaking to people we couldn't see.
Dad never gave consent for her to be taken to a specialist unit, he said their wedding vow stood no matter what the situation is he must keep to it.
After mum's death, dad took it upon himself to make sure that we were okay. I was an adult, the boys were teenagers. He changed his job and worked not far away from home. Jeremy and Josiah were studious they excelled with scholarships to study in another country. I stayed back in Trinidad to look after dad who was getting old.
At 28 years I met Luke, he was from Canada. He came to do a year voluntary work as a medical Doctor in Trinidad. We became friends, fell in love and got married when I turned 31 years He was 35 years then. Luke was quite understanding and very supportive when we got married and during our years of dating. The stigma of my late mother's illness hung over my head like a hat. People in the area spoke to each other, bad news spread like wildfire. I was not keen on making too much friends as people right from the time my mother was alive kept their children distant from us even when their children wants to come close to us.
Meeting Luke made me a different person I was able to let my past slip off my tight grip but unsure of what the future held for me. I left home at age 31 leaving dad alone. The boys came home every time they were on holiday. It was so hard leaving dad alone. I encouraged him to get married but when a man loves a woman even in death no one can replace the woman or fill the void. I made sure I went to Trinidad to visit at least every 6 months but I called to check on dad everyday.
Jeremy got a good job in the country he went to study and was not visiting dad as frequent as he planned to. Josiah was able to return to Trinidad after his studies. He got married and decided to move dad away from the area to live with him and his family. Dad never wanted us to get rid of the property but the memories were sweat and bitter. we had a family meeting and discussed on why we need to sell the house which Dad eventually agreed after several convictions.
some decades after we sold the property, dad took ill it was really bad and he needed some medical attention. Dad was flown to Canada finally he was close to me. I had become a counsellor part time as I was raising our children Timy and Toby. Luke was so engrossed with his career and never supported my career choice because he said I never got healed from the pain of my childhood and hence I used my pain to counsel others.
One faithful morning I was called that dad's health had taken a turn down the hill, I did not know what to do. Having Luke with me I thought I would be able to get the strength from my husband but He was not wired that way. He will give his support to his Patient because they were paying, his love and affection was in his career rather than his home. He was a great father, our children had the best of things he could afford for them. They had a better childhood than I did. Above all they had a mother that was mentally stable.
As I walked out of the bedroom to get ready for the day. I felt the weight of many years weighing me down. Losing my mother to illness and eventually death I never healed, now my father is not doing great in the hospital. I went in the shower, I thought I had the shower on but my tears wet my body more. I must have been there for about quarter of an hour. Luke came in and saw me standing in the shower I was there with tears dripping down my face but far away in my own thoughts. It took the turning on of the shower to snap me out of my long gone thoughts. I don't know what Luke saw that morning but he helped me with my shower and helped me get ready although he refused to come with me to the hospital as he was scheduled to travel for a research that day.
As I drove to the hospital with my children the event that led to my mother's diagnosis for Schizophrenia was playing in my head. I dropped the children at their destination and head to the hospital. Jeremy and Josiah were in the room with dad. He was fast asleep but as I walked in, he opened his eyes and said Lucy (That was my mother's name). I walked to him and said Dad it's Lawry, He smiled and said Lucy where have you been. You left me for so long. We were told that dad had dementia. He didn't recognise Jeremy or Josiah, He couldn't remember my name.
Dad was in the hospital for two weeks and he was discharged to my house. He has always wanted to be close to his family when his last days come. I worked from home most days, had my office in our library, scheduled my time of counselling to times where dad's care giver came around to support him and when my children were home so I won't be distracted.
Towards his last years, Camille one of the care giver was very good in caring for dad. She took her time doing things, even when dad soiled himself after she just changed him she will never show her frustration if ever she was. She will do everything all over again and made sure dad was left clean and comfortable. One day when Camille was there I asked her how she could do things in that way. She said I do my work to give my best, it could be me tomorrow but I also remember to do good to all men, so God can be glorified.
After Camille left, what she said kept pondering in my mind. I do good to all men to the glory of God. God, does he even exist, I felt like I needed to ask more. so restless I couldn't sleep, I told Luke when he got home about Camille. He brushed it off like every other thing as long as it has to do with my family Luke had become less concerned. He said I am so soaked in my family that marriage didn't even take me out of it. I know I am failing Luke in our marriage. I hardly asked him about his day since dad's health issues started. I assumed Luke was doing great until one morning Luke was unable to get up from bed. He was down with fever, my husband was always on the go never seen him that bad. I had to request for an extra hand to look after dad while I look after Luke. The children were off to university.
Luke in his vulnerable state told me how much he missed me and how I have become more distant to him by day. He had the symptoms of fever over and over but was so worried I will not be able to manage or cope with him being ill and my father as well. Luke's illness brought me back to my marital vow to be there for him always.
Camille and I became quite close and she was like a sister I never had. She told me things about her life and eventually she told me that her strength was in Jesus Christ. She said she was not allowed to discuss her faith at work but she felt I needed to hear. Camille led me to Christ, so many answers I was unable to get became clearer to me. I always wanted to know my purpose in life.
Dad passed away at 95years old but before he did he had a special bond with Luke even at his vulnerable state. Luke found himself drawn daily to my dad at that vulnerable state of his life. My dad's ill health brought Luke and I closer than ever after months of being distant from each other. He was able to understand me better than He did all the years of our marriage.
Luke said.....
Anytime he walks to see dad in his room and keep him company, he constantly spoke to Lucy telling her how beautiful she was and how he will never stop loving or taking care of her. One day Dad said to Luke "Do you know how I met Lucy?" Luke said no then He said would you like to know which Luke said yes then He told him the story..
"i met Lucy in school, everyone knew about her bipolar which she has had since her teenage years. No one wanted to be close friends with her not to talk about taking her on a date. But I took interest in her she was the most beautiful girl. She was so intelligent and clumsy at the same time (he smirks) but she was highly filled with knowledge. She was always the one with highest mark academically but quite clumsy in sports and that triggers her bipolar out when she can't get a grip of it all. I fell in love with her. I had lost my parents and siblings to mud slide years ago. Lucy became my friend, parent and sibling. We never had disagreement because I couldn't hurt her due to the love I had for her. We got married after our studies and people never believe we could have normal healthy children. But what they never knew was regardless of Lucy's bipolar she believed in God. Our children were born perfect bipolar isn't an hereditary disease. I wasn't scared one bit. Lucy was a great mother and she taught Lawry right. That is why she is so strong and always willing to give her all out even when she gets nothing back."
Luke said it took almost a whole week for him to fully understand that dad was telling him to love me just the way I was because that is me and that is the best way forward in our marriage. Dad passed on in his sleep five years after he was discharged to my house. I felt at peace knowing that I did all I was meant to do as a daughter and so did my siblings too. Jeremy and Josiah came back to Trinidad where we flew dad's body to for burial. His wish was to be buried close to Lucy and we made that come to pass even though they couldn't see it.
Three years before Dad's death I began a charity organisation for people with personality disorder and mental health. I bought our former home in Trinidad and made it the head office where people battling with personality disorder could easily walk in stigma free and get help as much as possible. Over the years we have been able to create more awareness about this condition and some have come to know the Lord through that charity. I do not enforce the gospel on them but I show them love and compassion as Camille did and they end up seeking for more until they come to Know Jesus through me or the charity. The organisation has birth lovely relationships and healed homes nearly devastated by the blow of personality disorder and mental health problems.
Through my time of growing in a home with a mother with mental health issues I saw the stigma the victim and their family experience in some community and that sow a seed in me that eventually birth this charity.
Luke has been a great husband and pillar helping with medical contacts and researches on how to be better at what we do in the charity. Above all the whole experience has brought me closer to God. Luke named me "My Preacher wife" saying my passion from childhood gave me a light of what I am called to actually do in life which is to touch lives..
It is easy for anyone to keep searching for identity and hope especially in areas where there is no answer but God is forever available and waiting if only we make our way to Him.
Reading the word of God one day and seeing that God affirms in His word that whatever I do, it should be done to the glory of God gave me so much assurance and courage that God is always there in our lives but when we come to know Him, we know and feel his presence and leading more. "And whatsoever ye do, do it heartily, as to the Lord, and not unto men;" Colossians 3:23 KJV
I am Lorraine the Preacher wife of Luke Grandis.
