Busted Bubbles 2.

I always look for a but in a man in order not to marry.

Dad had given up on me, he even sing a chorus for me to hear that"if you want to get married do so now and if you don't declare to the world".

We are now practising Christianity now unlike before that we do not go to church. I just see it as a social excuse, I go to church pay offerings and tithe. Contribute to church funding and help charitable organisations. I give because I have in abundance.

Mum has become a prayer warrior now. She prays every minute , even when she want to wear her clothes she prays. She has become a prayer freak which gets on my nerves.

She nags me all the time with" Joyce you don't pray, Joyce prayer is the key,Joyce live a life that pleases the Lord. Joyce! Joyce!! Joyce!!!

I make sure I am out of sight whenever she is on about prayer. Even though she knows I have no interest she will walk round the house and make sure I hear her praying. At times  Dad joins in when he is at home and they will sing from hymn to worship then to praise.

I join them when they sing the songs I like. Mum is so concerned about my marital life. She will fast, she will insist I fast which I do but as the Bible says in Isaiah 58:2-6 KJV"Yet they seek me daily, and delight to know my ways, as a nation that did righteousness, and forsook not the ordinance of their God: they ask of me the ordinances of justice; they take delight in approaching to God. Wherefore have we fasted, say they, and thou seest not? wherefore have we afflicted our soul, and thou takest no knowledge? Behold, in the day of your fast ye find pleasure, and exact all your labours. Behold, ye fast for strife and debate, and to smite with the fist of wickedness: ye shall not fast as ye do this day, to make your voice to be heard on high. Is it such a fast that I have chosen? a day for a man to afflict his soul? is it to bow down his head as a bulrush, and to spread sackcloth and ashes under him? wilt thou call this a fast, and an acceptable day to the Lord ? Is not this the fast that I have chosen? to loose the bands of wickedness, to undo the heavy burdens, and to let the oppressed go free, and that ye break every yoke?"

My fast was for wrong reasons so its of no effect whatsoever in my life. I was basically going on hunger strike. My life was a denial.

I never healed from the pain&hurt caused by Bro Tobias in my life. When I am alone I cry and I blame God but when I am with my family and friends I appear to be the happiest. 

This is one of the reason's I give excuse in order not to get married. I find faults in men, they are either too tall, not educated enough,too godly, appear like a liar or dress too elaborate for me. It's always one excuse or another.

I suffer within everyday, the thought of me not  having a womb is just an unending nightmare for me. I will rather live my life achieving as much material things as possible. Give to people in need and enjoy life and when the time comes for me to leave the world to my maker, well I and my maker have scores to settle definately.

One day, a colleague of mine who happens to be a friend put to bed and I was invited to the christening of the baby the following saturday. I went extra length to get baby things infact you would think I was the one that had a baby.

At the Christening a young man in his 30s was conducting the programme. He was the a young Pastor according to my friend. After the naming the man of God quoted Hebrews 9:27-28 KJV"And as it is appointed unto men once to die, but after this the judgment: So Christ was once offered to bear the sins of many; and unto them that look for him shall he appear the second time without sin unto salvation."

He said just as we rejoice at the birth of the Child so will Heaven rejoice on every soul of a sinner that is saved. He said as we rejoice of the birth of a child though the Child to us human is innocent but he is a sinner. John 3:3 KJV "Jesus answered and said unto him, Verily, verily, I say unto thee, Except a man be born again, he cannot see the kingdom of God." Except that New baby grew up accept Christ as his Lord and saviour he might die a sinner even though he was dedicated at birth to Christ.

At that point he said if anyone was there that moment and wanted to give their life to Christ or re-dedicate their lives the person should repeat after him. About 10 people raised their hand plus myself but I was shy but I said the words silently that " Lord Jesus indeed I acknowledge that I am a sinner. I know your blood shed on Calvary was for my sins. I dedicate my life to you today, come and take over. I accept you henceforth as my personal Lord and savior in Jesus mighty name amen.

After this prayer the Man of God prayed for all the guest in general and prayed for the baby and his parents as  well. The night went quickly but the Bible passage John3:3 did not go with the night it was stuck in my brain all night. Some tracts were distributed at the programme. When I got home, my parents were not in they had gone to church for prayer meetings I guess.

I decided to read the tract and the first message was from book of Matthew 19:20-23KJV "The young man saith unto him, All these things have I kept from my youth up: what lack I yet? Jesus said unto him, If thou wilt be perfect, go and sell that thou hast, and give to the poor, and thou shalt have treasure in heaven: and come and follow me. But when the young man heard that saying, he went away sorrowful: for he had great possessions. Then said Jesus unto his disciples, Verily I say unto you, That a rich man shall hardly enter into the kingdom of heaven.

Those words were the wake up call I needed. Since what happened to me as a child I have loathed my creator for allowing me to go through such experience. I wrote off my future based on my past. I always think to myself which man will marry a woman without a womb. I am like a busted bubble I am invisible though I am visible. What type of a woman am I if I can not reproduce. These thoughts I have kept in myself nursing it like a baby. It kept growing gradually as days go by.

As much as I loved to live I have desires to end my existence but my courage is so low on that. That night I knelt down read those words in the scriptures over and over again. I did not even realize I was weeping and I was just asking for mercy from God.

The next thing, I must have dozed off because I saw My spirit come out of my body just like its seen in movies. Someone guard me to a desert and I was alone there sitting with bags tied round my garment to a spot. I looked very disturbed. People passed me in the desert frequently, they stop by me one was running out of fuel in his car which I helped him fill up and he left. One was limbing because she had no shoes I gave her a brand new shoe, this quickened her step and journey. The last person was naked and I gave her clothes she smiled and left. The unbelieveable thing is the moment I reached out to this people they moved on but I was stuck in a position looking very uncomfortable. Then a lady appeared to me and she said Joyce why are you still here. You have been here for more than a decade. I reached out to her and begged her to help free me. She said the strength is in me to free myself if only I can untie my garment from the baggages. That was when I looked at the baggage one had God written on it, one had Bro Tobias and the last one my Parents. Then I saw a balloon ruptured and my name was on it.

I told the lady but they busted my balloon how can I let them go. Where do I get a new one from? The lady said let go then you will see with your own eyes that though you are static now you will begin to fly like an Eagle. That was when I woke up and heard mum calling my name. She came into my room and saw that I heard party clothes on, she asked why I did not take my clothes off. Even at 33years mum still treats me like a child. I told her I was too tired, she reminded me it was sunday and it's 9:30 am, Church Service starts at 10:30am. I quickly rushed to the shower and got ready within 35minutes. My parents were so surprised because I am the laid back type, I take my time in doing things but this morning was different. As I drove to Church with mum and dad at the back of the car, I kept thinking of the night before, that I rededicated my life to Christ, the trance-like dream I heard. I felt so scared and my heart was very heavy. Tears kept coming to my eyes buy I dare not let it drop. I wanted to avoid every form of questioning and drama that morning so I pretended like I had Cold. Faking the sneeze while the tears dropped. When we got to  Church, I dropped my parents at the main entrance while I drove to the car park to park the car. Wiped my tears which by now was flooding I had to put sun shades on to hide my red eyes thank goodness it was sunny.

The service was another breaking point for me. The Choirs were ministering when I was entered the church.