Busted Bubbles 1

From the Begining, my life has  being filled with pathetic occurrences.
I see no joy or have strength in toiling unnecessarily for what I know has no replacement.
I am Joyce a beautiful educated and intelligent young lady in my early 30s. I am 33years to be precise, I have achieved greatly in life  and I am still in the process of achiving more. I do not believe in going  to place of worship regardless of the denomination for the sake of receiving anything. I go to the place of worship to socialize meet up with community members,friends and dance to the every joyful sound of music rendered by the choristers it is always a mind blowing moment.
I was continually abused sexually from age 8years to age 14years. This is something I find very difficult to tell anyone.
I can't tell no one my ordeal in life. I smile and wear constant smile on my face but I walk about with a canoe loaded with sadness embedded in my body. The load keeps pulling me back without anyone to render help to me.
I was sexually abused by our driver, yes the driver my parents employed to take me to school. I was so fond of him as a little girl and trusted him so much. He used this trust I have in him as an opportuinity to take canal knowledge of me.
When it first started, he picked me up from school on a last day of school. When we got home, dad and mum were not in. They had accompanied my brother and sister abroad because they were resuming secondary school in Australia. They entrusted my care into the hand of the maid (Aunty Julia) and the driver(bro Tobias). It is not the first time my parents had travelled without us. They often go for business trips abroad and live I and my siblings back home in the care of Aunty Julia our maid. This was the very first time I was left all by myself with the maid and the driver.
On getting home that day Aunty Julia was about to go to the market. She quickly fixed my food and promised to be back soon.  Bro Tobias was with me in the main lounge. After eating I asked if he would play hide and seek with me and he agreed since we were the only one in. I was hiding in my room when brother Tobias found me He started tickling me and I was laughing.
I was only a child just 8 years Old and there and then Bro Tobias deflowered me. It was so painful, I screamed for help but our house is so big even people the next house can not hear me scream. It was so quick it went like a flash. After he had his way he begged me and said he loves me and that was his way to show his love to me. He begged me not to tell anyone, he said if I told anyone  they will not believe me. He also threatened to make life unbearable for me when he picks or drop me at school if I don't keep the secret.
I was in so much pain afterwards. Aunty Julia took forever to come back from the market. Bro Tobias gave me  some pills to relief the pain and I slept off.
When Aunty Julia came back and noticed I was asleep she asked bro Tobias why. He told her I vomited on my clothes because I had fever so he washed my clothe and he gave me some pain reliever which is why I am sleeping. He even said to Aunty Julia that I was missing my parents and siblings.
This occurrence continued afterwards. I grew to love Bro Tobias, when I see him with ladies I get so jealous. I was brain washed, I had a very rapid growth which meant at age 12years I already looked 15years because my body had grown fully like a teenager. The only thing was I did not see my period like girls of my age. My period started at age 13years and it came once every six months. The doctors said I had irregular periods and I was placed on some medicines to regulate it.
This went on for a while. When it was time for me to travel abroad just like my siblings to continue my educatiom, I refused. I told my parents I wanted to stay home because I would miss them. Mum suggested I was sent to boarding school within the country which I refuses because I did not want to be too far from Bro Tobias.
I grew more wild and canal minded. I stole money from my Parents to give to Bro Tobias. I even begged him to sleep with me. My childhood/teenage years was stolen away from me by someone my Parents trusted. Someone now seen as a member of the family. We were never caught sleeping together.
I literally saw him as my future husband. If I wore a clothe and he shows sign of disapproval even if my parents approved it I will change it to please him. I wrote  love poems and letter, read it to him. My code name was flora so my parents will not know.  I fodged letters to say school was taking us on a three day excursion my parents cared less. Their business was their first priority.
My parents never queried my excursions. Anytime I bring letter for excursion Tobias will take leave to go and see his family. Since I was the only one he is contracted to drive dad will tell him to take the car with him to his family, he should drop me in school for our excursion and pick me up when I return. We would go to the Hotel out of town I dressed up like his wife so we would not be querried or suspected by anyone.
I had gone so far in this way of life. Until one day, one special day. Aunty Julia had stopped working with us by now. I was 14year now making it exactly 6years since I have been sexually abused and sexually active. I and Tobias were busy in my room doing our thing. No one was home. Until the door opened and my mum was standing there watching us. She could not talk but she screamed. That was another stage of my ordeal. Mum contacted the police but while she was waiting for them Tobias escaped.
As he was running down the road the police cars were approaching, one of the cars followed him out of curiosity while the other one came to our house. Mum told the police what happened, she told them my age and Tobias's age who was 35years then. Mum sat down there crying uncontrollably. One of the police officers who was  a woman took me in to speak to me.  It took me a long time to open up to the Police officer. She told me that my secret will be kept and I need not to fear. She encouraged me to tell her how long the abuse has been going on which I told her.
Whilst Tobias was being chased down the road, he ran into coming  vehicle and that was how he ended his life. The message got to us and I was so  sad. I felt like something had gone missing in my life. I disagreed with everything that was said about Bro Tobias that he's been abusing me all these years.
Dad came back 2days later having heard about what happened and he came to meet me  at the hospital. Mum did not leave my side for a moment. She was becoming more than caring. A full check was carried out on me,all manner of test was done.
I was under so much stress and had to stay in hospital for two weeks. I had no infection whatsoever but something had damaged in me.
My womb had been ruptured and I can never carry a child according to the doctor. Infact the womb had to be removed to stop any form of infection. That was when I understood the level of damage Bro Tobias did to me. Everytime he had his way he gave me a medicine to use which makes me to sleep and when I wake up I urinate blood.
When I asked Bro Tobias then, he said it was normal and it show how good and perfect we were together. I am the quiet type even though I looked older than my age. I am  easy going. Very intelligent and loved by people.
I told mum about the medicine after much pestering. She felt so disappointed and kept appologising to me. She said she had let me down and she had not played her role as a mother. Which led to this great loss I encounter.
I now understand, why Bro Tobias always said it was a secret. I told mum I was the Flora Bro Tobias talked about. His unknown girlfriend. I revealed how I lied about my excursions and where I and Bro Tobias spend such time.
My parents were very sad. They realized they had let me down in a damaging way. They promised to step up to be a better parent.
That same year My parents and I relocated to Australia to join my siblings who were now in their first year in University.
It was a struggle for me to get over Bro Tobias and my past. I had to go for series of conselling which mum or dad accompanied me. I started  getting back to my normal self gradually but never healed.
After five years in Australia we relocated as a Family to the Republic of Ireland. My parents made a new programme between themselves. They do not leave us at home all alone at anytime. If dad travelled,mum stayed home and if Mum travelled dad stayed home.
Things went on for a while till I was becoming of marriageable age. I grew hatred for men apart from my brother. My elder sister got married at age 27years. She is now happily married with children. My brother who is the eldest now live in U.K. With his family. He got married at 28years.
I Joyce at 33years still find it difficult to keep a relationship. Men come, they show their interest, infact on two occassion I was nearly married.