In the wilderness 1

Oh! boy so what do you want to become when you grow up..
I want to be a Pilot..
Wao!! That's amazing so why do you want to be a Pilot.
Hmm! So I can fly like Birds in the sky and visit the whole world.
That's my boy give me high five.

That's the memory I have about my dad. The other thing I can remember about Him is mum and I at his grave side paying our last respect. I was only 7years Old when He was killed whilst on official duty as an Army. He died in service basically at the war front. I was not allowed to see his body but mum saw it.

It was a difficult time for mum. She found it very hard to cope alone raising two children myself and Esmeralda. It was an unusal atmosphere round the house once filled with laughter,love, joy and peace.

As young as I was, I had to hide my feelings. I did this because I thought I should be able to comfort myself. I do understand what the death of dad will cause to a certain level.

Mum's friends came to the house everyday or every other day. It was summer holidays, the worst and boring holiday so far.Mum was off work for some months to mourn she was a shadow of herself. How sad to lose someone you love.I would make breakfast and take it to her in her room at least I saw dad doing that before. She will force a smile on her face to show appreciation.

The weeks flew by just like seconds. Mum started coping gradually but it meant  she could not work full time and look after two children. She had to go on part time to cope. The bills did not go on part time infact the bills seems more and more.
She resolved into selling her car so we had just dad's car because the insurance and tax was just too much for her to handle not to talk of the maintainance.

Its now 4 years since dad died. Esmeralda has clocked 8years,I'm in secondary school. I got admission into one of the best comprehensive schools in town. I was a straight A pupil so it was not so difficult. Mum was very proud of me so was Esme(my sister).

My problem started in my  third year in secondary school. That was the year mum re-married not that I was against it I was pleased she found happiness at last. Esme got into thesame comprehensive secondary school  I was. Life was becoming more condusive for us. We could go to school and come back ourselves. Mum was back on a full time schemed paid job which was brilliant.

I was attaining the stage of puberty and my body was changing rapidly. I found girls very attractive. Infact girls flaunt their bodies at me. I was young and naive. At thesame time I was envied by boys of my age. There was gang culture in school you either belong or you are messed up and picked on often.

I was in the midst of all this and life was becoming unbearable for me at school. At home I was the little mummy's boy. Mum got pregnant for my step day Phillip. She had a girl named Chelsea. Chelsea was so lovely. I loved my sibling so much. Mum did not have to get a baby sitter when I was around I did everything I could do to make sure all of us was ok.

I got on so well with Phillip, he was such a cool guy and father figure to me. He was a petrol engineer very intelligent. He was so fond of me and he teaches me physics when he is around. Things were going well generally at home although I struggled with fancying girls in school and invitation/threats to join gang in school but I kept it to myself. I felt capable to handle things without involving my family. That was one of the greatest mistakes I made in my life. Problems shared is half solved but I kept mine away from everyone including my family.

Life became unbearable for me until I gave in to the threats of gangs. I started by smoking gradually to fit into the gang. One day at home, I was smoking in the room when Phillip came in. He caught me, he was surprised and very disappointed. He thought he could speak to me and advice me but I got so upset that I told him to leave me alone.

I gained confidence in bad things, I started sleeping with girls. I carried knife all the time to protect myself. Mum became withdrawn from me after I had attacked her several times beating her and my sisters. Phillip threatened to get me arrested if I do not stop but I guessed he could  not do it because he loved me just like his son.

I became so wayward that I began to perform woefull in my studies.  My GCSE exams was a narrow escape. I had two distinctions, four credits and two unqualified grades. Mum was disappointed  but she still encouraged me that I could do better in order to achieve my goal but to be honest I was not be bothered.

I got addmission into the college to study A levels. At this stage of my life no one could speak to me. Even at home I was treated like an alien. My sisters run away from me including my step dad(Phillips) and mum just tolerated me.  I became so bored of studies I left the house like a student but went about causing atrocities.

My first crime was on grievious bodily harm,  which was an attack on my mum she did not press charge against me. Then I became more violent as the day pass. I just saw violence as my buddy. I was a member of a gang we engage in all types of trouble from molesting ladies to robbing people of their belongings. By age 17 I bought a car and that was another level of freedom for me. I drove about day and night with friends that had no ambition in life.

I moved on from smoking cigarette to smoking weed. A friend introduced me to a drug Lord when I turned 18years. By now I had my own flat because my family could not accomodate me. I caused my family lots of pain, I sold some of the furnitures to pay for my drug use. I became an addict by age 18. It was the most terrible phase of my life. I became less conscious about my ambitions and goals in life. All I felt concerned about was drugs, violence and sleeping around.

I grew wild in sexual immorality which I did not understand until later in my years I thought it was a norm for a boy of my age to do things I did. By age 19 Jessica one of my girlfriends became pregnant with my child but I did not accept the pregnancy. I told her to go and abort the pregnancy which she did. We continued our relationship even though she was indignant because of my way of life. She stood by me just like a pillar, many night I pass out due to drug abuse, something within me knew I was in the wrong but I could not come to accept the facts. I just carried on in the bondage I lived in. I dropped out of college abadoning my precious future and passion for education because of drugs and violence.

By age 20, I had become a drug courier within the nation. I always have a narrow escape with the law. Near miss became my luck, I thought my luck was just exceptional. I do not bother to call my family. One day in the shopping mall I sighted my mum,Step dad with my sisters by their car so I decides to greet them and also show off my new car. As I was approaching mum looked so sad but she looked like she wanted to say hello to me. My sisters came out of the car running towards me but Phillip( my step dad) told them to get back into the car which they did. He also told mum to get in the car.

That got on my nerves, I would not take such insult. Right there I went straight to Phillip and just started punching him on the face. I am 6foot  tall and Phillip was just about 5foot 6inches tall. He struggled a bit with me. Mum came round trying to pull me off. In the midst of the commotion and hearing the sound of Police siren I got a sharp object from the floor and used it to cut Phillip deep on the face and upper arm and I fled the scene in my car before the Police got there.

As I drove off the scene, I was remorseful, weeping terribly. It felt like the pain of losing my father again. I drove home and on getting there instead of being comforted by my girlfriend Jessica. I met her and the drug lord Jordan in a cossy position, this made me more angry and I lost it completely. I ordered Jordan to leave but being my boss he was playing difficult pointing a gun at me to threaten me.

I was not scared of the gun because I had one on me. He used Jessica as a shield on his way out but I would not have anyone insult me on what seems to be my right. I brought my gun out and just fired it continuously. This was how I became a murderer..

I voluntarily handed myself to the police. Mum was contacted because she was my next of kin. It was a painful experience when she visited me five days later with my sisters. She wept so bad and the memory of the pain she went through when my father died just kept coming to me. She prayed for me although it was strange I never saw my mum prayed in all the years I have known her but she did.

She told me she had started going to church some months after I left home because she did not want to lose me. She also said the day I saw them at the shopping mall,that she was in fasting and prayer praying for me. I had no clue what all that meant because I don't believe in God.